I'm probably going to get my ass kicked for this
But this was my comment on a post:
I'm way in the minority - and I'm headed out on the limb. I am disconcerted to see so much agreement here. Hang with me for a minute. I realize this isn't going to be the popular opinion in this group and I am not at all trying to be disagreeable or controversial. I'm talking about something I truly feel I have a solution for in the hope that someone might like something in my idea and adopt it to suit.
I know not everyone can do what my husband and I are doing, but more people could than are. We consider raising our kids and keeping them safe our most important responsibility and we've changed our lives to do it. Anyway, we're homeschooling - in large part because we feel there's just too much violence and too little supervision in schools. There are other options too (co-ops, communal tutoring, flexible work schedules), for people who couldn't do things the way we do if you're willing to think outside the box a little.
Imagine you're at work. In front of all your co-workers, you get big kudos from the boss for the great job you did. As all of you are filing out of the office, your co-worker, the bully, gives you a hard punch in the arm or shoves you down the stairs. Do you beat the crap out of the guy or do you just call the police because, "Hey, man, I don't have to take that kind of stuff." We have laws on our side - if, as a grown up, you're so poorly adjusted that you have to use your fists to express yourself, you're pretty much doomed to spend a lot of time in a very small space.
My kid doesn't have those same protections. I'm my kid's protector. That's my job. My kids don't hang out with kids who are bullies. My kids don't watch television (unless you count the very occasional Kipper the Dog dvd) and are not subjected to violence they're not equipped to handle. My kids know they're safe, they're cared for, and they're loved - as all children should. I have a theory. My theory is that kids are rough because that's what they witness - or how they're treated - and because they're left on their own to figure out ways to handle things that they shouldn't have to. I've been in the same situation you described. I've been just as direct with the parent as you were, or, if the parent wasn't handy, with the kid. I don't hesitate to tell someone else's kid to settle down. Plenty loud enough for the parent to hear. And then I move my kid out of harm's way. Really, it's not "use your words" - it's "use your head" - and not as a battering ram. Violence begets violence. Take a good look around.
I'm way in the minority - and I'm headed out on the limb. I am disconcerted to see so much agreement here. Hang with me for a minute. I realize this isn't going to be the popular opinion in this group and I am not at all trying to be disagreeable or controversial. I'm talking about something I truly feel I have a solution for in the hope that someone might like something in my idea and adopt it to suit.
I know not everyone can do what my husband and I are doing, but more people could than are. We consider raising our kids and keeping them safe our most important responsibility and we've changed our lives to do it. Anyway, we're homeschooling - in large part because we feel there's just too much violence and too little supervision in schools. There are other options too (co-ops, communal tutoring, flexible work schedules), for people who couldn't do things the way we do if you're willing to think outside the box a little.
Imagine you're at work. In front of all your co-workers, you get big kudos from the boss for the great job you did. As all of you are filing out of the office, your co-worker, the bully, gives you a hard punch in the arm or shoves you down the stairs. Do you beat the crap out of the guy or do you just call the police because, "Hey, man, I don't have to take that kind of stuff." We have laws on our side - if, as a grown up, you're so poorly adjusted that you have to use your fists to express yourself, you're pretty much doomed to spend a lot of time in a very small space.
My kid doesn't have those same protections. I'm my kid's protector. That's my job. My kids don't hang out with kids who are bullies. My kids don't watch television (unless you count the very occasional Kipper the Dog dvd) and are not subjected to violence they're not equipped to handle. My kids know they're safe, they're cared for, and they're loved - as all children should. I have a theory. My theory is that kids are rough because that's what they witness - or how they're treated - and because they're left on their own to figure out ways to handle things that they shouldn't have to. I've been in the same situation you described. I've been just as direct with the parent as you were, or, if the parent wasn't handy, with the kid. I don't hesitate to tell someone else's kid to settle down. Plenty loud enough for the parent to hear. And then I move my kid out of harm's way. Really, it's not "use your words" - it's "use your head" - and not as a battering ram. Violence begets violence. Take a good look around.
posted by Shannon at 10:24 PM
2 Comments:
I agree with you to a point, but I believe that as animals, if nothing else, we need to reserve that last straw for when nothing else is working.
In that post, he wasn't advocating an immediate physical response, like you seem to indicate here, but rather a physical response to physical attacks after non-violent methods don't work.
As for his particular example, I think the response was inappropriate, since adults were already involved, but the basic point seems sound to me. It's not an exact science, but everyone has to have a breaking point, I think.
I understand what you're saying, Dan. But think about it, what defense is there really against someone determined to hurt you? What is my kid going to do if a kid twice her size pushes her down? How much time am I going to invest teaching my kid how to meet violence with violence - a coping skill I don't believe in that won't serve her well as an adult - just in case she's attacked by another kid (who is probably being attacked himself at home). Think about what that kind of mindset and focus is going to do to a kid emotionally - what does that teach them? I can do everything I can to protect my kids and make sure the places where they go are basically safe, but I can't protect them from everything. The problem is really children hanging out in a place where they are not well supervised. I know this is a tough one, but it's our job as parents to make sure our kids are well supervised at all times. If the school is failing in this and cannot be brought into compliance, then we've got to figure out something else to do. It won't work to teach my kid violence as the solution. Frankly, if poor supervision is the issue, I need to be just as concerned about my kid falling off the monkey bars. She'll end up hurt either way. And if supervision is not the issue - then there is no issue but our own fear of each other, nicely ramped up by the screaming television.
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